...a blog i didn't want to have to write...

Sooo... I knew it was coming. I just didn't, or rather refused, to want to accept it. James and I have now officially been trying to conceive for 3 whole years.

That's right... today is our 3 year Wedding Anniversary! Which of course I'm super ecstatic about! I love James with all of my heart. He's the best husband I could ever ask for. My very best friend, and my soul mate. He means more to me than life itself. And of course... he's been with me through thick and thin. Through all the negative pregnancy tests. The confusing ovulation predictor kits. The exams. The tests. The blood work. The ultrasounds (and not the fun tummy kind... YAY for me!). The needle sticks (in the belly! ouch!). The pills (oh Lord... the pills). All kinds of pills! The PCOS diagnosis. The "I think this is your best bet on getting pregnant" talks. The doctors. The nurses. The pharmacies. The office staff. The specimen cups (sorry James!). The tears. The heartaches. The disappointment. The "I'm sorry it didn't work" talks. The hugs. The kisses. The tender "I Love You's" he'd whisper in my ear, as I'm crying my eyes out for the 24th time that day. ...Yes James, you've been with me though a lot. And for all your support, I will be forever grateful!

One of the reasons I started blogging was because I felt so badly for always talking about pregnancy, or rather... infertility with my husband... I didn't want to push him away or make him feel like he had to have all the answers. No one has a good answer. No one but God, of course! He truly knows why. We don't. So there's no need in guessing. (anymore guessing that is... obviously I continually ask "why?") So to my blog I go... when I feel like I have to get it all out.

Today just happens to be one of those days. My anniversary. It's one of the most happiest days of the year. Yet it just brings me back to my infertility. Just because we started trying to have a family as soon as we got married. Good in a way because now we know it's gonna take a HUGE miracle to get pregnant and deliver a child. Bad in a way because now I will always associate our anniversary with how many years we've been trying to conceive. I hope to get one of the best anniversary gifts of a lifetime... a pregnancy... but I don't hold my breath anymore.

Just because you're a day or 10 days "late" around the Dixon household doesn't mean much anymore. We know that PCOS is crazy, and makes my cycle crazy. Whether it's a 'normal' 28 day cycle or a more 'Jennifer normal' PCOS cycle of 40 days... makes no difference. Eventually you get your gift from nature. I used to cry when that day came. I cried every month for 2-3 days straight for the first, probably 15 months of trying to conceive. Now... I want to cry, but I feel guilty for crying. If I cry, James knows immediately... we aren't pregnant yet again. And the disappointment on my best friend's face just kills me. He can't help it. I can't help it. Disappointment is just part of the game. So now a days... I don't cry. I just... I don't know what I do. Just go on with life I guess. I try to pretend like it's no big deal, in hopes that maybe it will 'just happen' some day. Crazy? Maybe. But what do I know?

So anyways... these are just some of my crazy infertility thoughts for this week. I'm yet again finding myself secretly praying for a missed period. Not even knowing what a missed period is. Just because my cycles have a tendency to be pretty lengthy anyways... I hear a lot of pregnant women complaining about the heat, the nausea, the heartburn, the stretch marks, the breast pain... Just know, any given day I'd trade all that I have for those feelings. Crazy or not crazy... I go back to the quote of one of my favorite songs ... "I would die for that, just to have one chance. To hold in my hands, what so many have. I would die for that."

That's all I've got today! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to those of you who read my blog. And actually like to hear what I have to say! It really means a lot to me!!! Till next time... bring on the missed period, the nausea, the stretch marks, the positive pregnancy test! I'm ready...