Though many women are receiving the dreaded diagnosis of infertility today, no one will talk about it. No one will send her a card in attempt to lift her spirits, or bake her something sweet and special just because. In fact, the very woman diagnosed with such a horrid disease may not even begin to understand the depths of the hell she is getting ready to be thrown into. I sure didn’t have a clue! I knew I wanted to start a family with my husband; and as a registered nurse, I knew trying a year with no luck can sometimes be normal; but, never in a million years did I expect what came next. Who would? Being told that you probably aren’t ovulating and then be recommended for testing to make sure my tubes weren’t blocked; a test which hurts like no other! And, then to be told everything looks fine, just keep trying… DO WHAT?!?! Much less the PCOS diagnosis that came the following year or all the failed infertility treatments that followed that… I’m more than positive I am not the only one who has experienced this emotional rollercoaster so why are we so hush-hush about it?
This is a devastating disease! It will never go away! Even if you do eventually conceive and have a baby, you will never be cured. Infertility will always be a part of you and affect your life in some way. Even after you get that baby of your dreams; mentally and emotionally you will always remember the years, the months, the depression, the hostility, the anger, the tears, the heartache; those feelings will fade I’m sure, but devastation never dissipates. And even then, even after the hurt fades, you may still wake up one morning and be bombarded with the emotion all over again. Then what? Remember no one talks about it? I REFUSE to accept this! I refuse to believe no one cares or understands.
We have to get the message out! This disease is like a silent killer. The inner suffering you go through is enough hell alone! The aftermath could be compared to that of post traumatic stress disorder. This shouldn’t be taken lightly, but why then, are we not getting the message across? Is it stigma? Karma? Fear? Embarrassment? Privacy? Hurt? These are things to consider, but we can’t be quiet forever. People everyday are conceiving and aborting as a form of birth control. They conceive and do drugs in an attempt to miscarry. They conceive and don’t care. My point being, why should we have to fight through all these horrid things just to be heard?
But if we need help conceiving, if we need help diagnosing, if we need help treating; our insurance companies basically look at us and roll their eyes. The majority of things aren’t covered by insurance and the medications alone are priced so high you can’t even afford to get started. Much less even consider IVF as an option. (Even if that is the treatment you’ve been recommended to receive by your fertility specialist!) If your insurance company doesn’t cover IVF or anything related to it (like mine…) we’re just supposed to continue to suffer. Unless you are a celebrity or win the lottery, who in this economy can come up with twenty grand to attempt to conceive? And then what if you need more than one IVF cycle?
So before you blast my blog with comments such as; if you can’t afford the treatment, how are you going to afford the baby? To this I say, who really ever can save and plan for this chapter in your life? And honestly, are you ever truly prepared? And in the end, all the time you spent saving and preparing and preventing pregnancy; what if at the end of all that time spent planning, you are diagnosed with infertility? It’s a horrid cycle someone needs to help break! Doctors will try every effort to get a patient into a cancer treatment study, in efforts to add an extra few months onto their already weak lives. That is a wonderful thing though! So… why can’t someone do this for me? I’m not dying or incapable of working; nor am I asking for a handout. All I am simply asking for is someone to stop and take a stand for infertility.
Your family, your friends, your neighbors, your church members, your co-workers; they all gather around to support everyone’s weddings, and pregnancies and retirements. I would LOVE for someone to just say… here, please let us help you! We understand your four year struggle. We can’t give you all you need, but what can we do to make this a little easier on you and your husband? At this point, all I want is for someone to just LISTEN! Don’t say anything. Don’t offer advice. Just listen! Trust me… I’ve heard enough times how it will happen when the time is right, or when I lose enough weight, or when I relax. And believe me, I know I’m thinking about it too much and I know I’m trying too hard, and I’m praying for all the wrong things. I’ve been told all of these things a thousand times! Everyone is good at telling me what I’m not doing right just because that is easier to do than offer to help. And I do wish it were as easy as “timing” and “relaxing!” That just isn’t the case.
All I want is a chance. But price makes that option very difficult when insurance companies are programmed to just say no! You can get free birth control. You can get free medical care. You can get free physicals and immunizations. You can get formula and food and water and shelter and heat and air conditioning. (All of those are great for those who truly need it!) But why… why can’t I just get a little help in making this already devastating time just a little bit easier? I work full time, went to college, own a home, have medical and dental insurance. I have the support of family and friends. I have a God that loves and guides me. I have a husband who cherishes the ground I walk on and is so supportive through all of these hard times. I have a life to be very proud of and thankful for. And I am very thankful for all these things. But the one thing I’d really love to experience… conceiving, a positive pregnancy test, pregnancy itself, flutters, contractions, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and holding that precious miracle in my arms… the one thing I long for, is hanging over my head with a price tag that might as well read… not for sale.
And yet, the infertility saga continues! It remains silent! I guess the world feels it is just easier that way. It is easier to ignore rather than treat. If no questions are asked, then that means no one has to find an acceptable answer. I can’t change the world by myself. So I blog. This is all I have. The only place I can get my true feelings out. I love when people read my blog to find out how I am feeling. But the great part is, if how I am feeling they don’t agree with or don’t want to read any more of… then they can stop and that is that. At any rate, I am just having a “bad infertility day” I guess and I wanted to get it all out. Who knows… maybe Oprah or someone like her will end up reading this one way or another and honor my dreams by sponsoring my IVF! HA~
For now, I keep trying. That’s all I can do… and keep the faith!
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