...if it's not okay, then it's not the end...
One of the best quotes I've read in a while.
So every now and then, I'll go through ~usually about a month long spell~ where all I can think is BABY BABY BABY! I drive my husband crazy, and typically everyone around me ends up crazy too. But I can't help it. I do sooo well with the months surrounding this "baby-crazy month" that I realize it's been weeks since I actually sat and day dreamed about becoming a mother. Does this make me a bad person? No... Does it make me less infertile? Absolutely not... Does this mean the hurt and pain are going away? Definitely a big fat NO!!! I guess it just means that being deemed infertile is not only a diagnosis anymore, it's my way of life. It's an unfortunate way to live, but I just have to accept that I will always be labeled as having experienced infertility.
Usually during this "baby crazy month" someone has just had a baby or just found out they're pregnant, which in years past would have thrown me into a two month depression... but now it just makes me desire a baby even more. So I'll pick out baby names, wonder if I'm pregnant, pick out stuff to register for online, look at nursery furniture, etc. and then the time comes for me to get my monthly gift. Oh Lord help us all!! Typically I'll hype myself all up because I'm one hour "late" and for sure ~ I'm pregnant! Which in turn makes me a week and a half late with what seems likes ten hundred negative pregnancy tests and I'm convinced something just isn't right.
Well something isn't right... ME! I've stressed myself out so much that I ended up making myself "late" and thus I've thrown myself right back into a cycle that never ends. Because I never end up actually being pregnant, I just made myself feel all the "tell tale" signs. I promise I'm not psychotic or anything, I just get a little obsessed for about a month every now and again and that's why I'm blogging tonight... I'm in the middle of one of my "baby crazy" months. One of my very best friends found out several weeks ago that she's pregnant. CONGRATS AGAIN!! I found out a few weeks ago and in the beginning everything was good. I didn't freak out, I accepted this new and genuine happiness was conveyed. However, a couple weeks after I found out... I noticed the baby crazy stuff. Looking at Babies R Us every single time you log onto the internet is a sure sign I'm in the midst of making my self crazy again.
I'm trying to blog it all out of my system so that when it comes time for my ever so kind monthly gift I won't panic. I really have done soooo much better about dealing with these "baby crazy" moments that not too much happens when in deed I don't end up pregnant. I've learned to recognize the signs and deal with them accordingly. Which is why I am now able to discuss it on my blog. Tonight however, I just needed a quick pick-me-up to remind myself that I am not the only person going through this, and that God loves me just the way I am and has a plan for James and I. When I "googled" how to deal with infertility in a spiritual way, a website came up that had a link to a video. I watched it and was WOWED! I felt like holy cow, this is my story. So I'm going to post the video in my blog for those who wish to, can watch it. I'm real inspired by this to make my very own infertility video so look for that in the coming weeks.
Please note that in no way, shape, or form am I taking credit for this video. Just posting it for all to see...
Click the link to see video... http://tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html
... "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." Proverbs 12:25 (NIV)
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