So another year is about the end, which means the holidays are coming to a close... I love Christmas!! It's my most favorite time of the year. I love the decorations, the lights, the snow, the precious time with family and friends... I love it all. ~Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to trade Christmas time for any time, ever. But... the holidays are a little, well... depressing I guess. Especially when you have tried so hard, for so long to have a child. Not only do you end up decorating the tree by yourself, or with your significant other... you get to hang two stockings. Which seems like a constant reminder every time you walk through the living room or what have you... it's only two. You walk in the door, and there are only two. You wake up Christmas morning and there are still only two.
I pray and hope and long for the day that I get to play Santa. I know not everyone does that type of thing and to each their own... but I wanna be a Santa Claus for my little boy or girl. I want to see their little eyes light up as they wonder sleepily into the living room to investigate what Santa has left for them. I can't wait for those same little eyes to check and see if Santa ate the cookies and milk we left for him. I can't wait for those little arms to reach for my neck to hug me and love me and say I love you MOM. I can't wait for all those precious and special moments that a lot of people are taking for granted and don't even know it. I long for the times to bake cookies for Santa, to string lights on the tree, and to be constantly saying over and over again... "no, those presents are for Christmas morning..." I want nothing more than to be a mom.
The desire to birth a child for me is still strong. I still long and hope for the chance to conceive (no matter by what method...) and to carry that same child in my belly for my husband to be in disbelief that yes, that really is his child kicking his hand. I want to experience the pains and joys of childbirth. I also want the chance to breast feed (or not...) and for all the emotions that go along with conceiving, laboring, and birthing a child. I attempt to wait patiently and hope for the best in most situations, but hope is slim pickin's these days. I still have a positive attitude most of the time, and I try to remain calm and cool and collective in the situations that I would rather lose my mind, but sometimes and some days... I can't. I have more good days than bad, and for that I am so thankful and grateful. But more and more the bad days aren't so good. I see all these girls with babies or who are pregnant and some can't be more than 16 years old... babies themselves... and I get jealous. WHY!?!?! Jealous of a pregnant teenager? No... not really so much that, but the fact that she probably just went out... had unprotected intercourse... and OOPS.. I'm pregnant! ... I guess I just get jealous of the easiness it was for her. And then I get angry because I know, no matter how much money I do or don't have, or how long I have or haven't tried to conceive... it will never be that easy for me and my husband.
I don't expect handouts or freebies... I've never been about that sort of thing. But I would like for the Earth, and the Moon, and the Sun, and the Stars to all align just right so that I may finally get my turn. I'd love the chance to have the in-vitro I so desperately need and want and desire... but unfortunately... as grand as insurance is these days... they don't cover that sort of thing. I'd also love for someone, anyone... to offer to donate a cycle of IVF... but even that seems out of reach now. I've pretty much given up on the hope that someone out there may read my blog or hear my story from someone or from even myself, and offer the most generous thing I would ever have happen to me...be it a cycle of IVF, money towards IVF, or even the most generous gift ever... their own baby. I know adoption is hard and overwhelming... and SCARY!! Probably some of the same reasons I hesitate to learn more about adoption right now is the very reason someone would be scared to consider it for themselves... but I would love the chance to be a mommy to a baby in need... My husband and myself could offer a child so much... a loving home, a wonderful family, terrific values and lessons in self worth... but the longer I go in time... the less and less it seems fate is on my side....
So as the new year rings in, 2011 will make it year "four" for me and my husband since we began trying to have a family. I still hold on to an inkling of hope that some day, some way, some how we will be able to have the in-vitro, but on yucky days like these... I'm just not so sure. So I pray to God for strength and for courage and for guidance and I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing...
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