~Out with the OLD, in with the NEW~

So another year is about the end, which means the holidays are coming to a close... I love Christmas!! It's my most favorite time of the year. I love the decorations, the lights, the snow, the precious time with family and friends... I love it all. ~Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to trade Christmas time for any time, ever. But... the holidays are a little, well... depressing I guess. Especially when you have tried so hard, for so long to have a child. Not only do you end up decorating the tree by yourself, or with your significant other... you get to hang two stockings. Which seems like a constant reminder every time you walk through the living room or what have you... it's only two. You walk in the door, and there are only two. You wake up Christmas morning and there are still only two.

I pray and hope and long for the day that I get to play Santa. I know not everyone does that type of thing and to each their own... but I wanna be a Santa Claus for my little boy or girl. I want to see their little eyes light up as they wonder sleepily into the living room to investigate what Santa has left for them. I can't wait for those same little eyes to check and see if Santa ate the cookies and milk we left for him. I can't wait for those little arms to reach for my neck to hug me and love me and say I love you MOM. I can't wait for all those precious and special moments that a lot of people are taking for granted and don't even know it. I long for the times to bake cookies for Santa, to string lights on the tree, and to be constantly saying over and over again... "no, those presents are for Christmas morning..." I want nothing more than to be a mom.

The desire to birth a child for me is still strong. I still long and hope for the chance to conceive (no matter by what method...) and to carry that same child in my belly for my husband to be in disbelief that yes, that really is his child kicking his hand. I want to experience the pains and joys of childbirth. I also want the chance to breast feed (or not...) and for all the emotions that go along with conceiving, laboring, and birthing a child. I attempt to wait patiently and hope for the best in most situations, but hope is slim pickin's these days. I still have a positive attitude most of the time, and I try to remain calm and cool and collective in the situations that I would rather lose my mind, but sometimes and some days... I can't. I have more good days than bad, and for that I am so thankful and grateful. But more and more the bad days aren't so good. I see all these girls with babies or who are pregnant and some can't be more than 16 years old... babies themselves... and I get jealous. WHY!?!?! Jealous of a pregnant teenager? No... not really so much that, but the fact that she probably just went out... had unprotected intercourse... and OOPS.. I'm pregnant! ... I guess I just get jealous of the easiness it was for her. And then I get angry because I know, no matter how much money I do or don't have, or how long I have or haven't tried to conceive... it will never be that easy for me and my husband.

I don't expect handouts or freebies... I've never been about that sort of thing. But I would like for the Earth, and the Moon, and the Sun, and the Stars to all align just right so that I may finally get my turn. I'd love the chance to have the in-vitro I so desperately need and want and desire... but unfortunately... as grand as insurance is these days... they don't cover that sort of thing. I'd also love for someone, anyone... to offer to donate a cycle of IVF... but even that seems out of reach now. I've pretty much given up on the hope that someone out there may read my blog or hear my story from someone or from even myself, and offer the most generous thing I would ever have happen to me...be it a cycle of IVF, money towards IVF, or even the most generous gift ever... their own baby. I know adoption is hard and overwhelming... and SCARY!! Probably some of the same reasons I hesitate to learn more about adoption right now is the very reason someone would be scared to consider it for themselves... but I would love the chance to be a mommy to a baby in need... My husband and myself could offer a child so much... a loving home, a wonderful family, terrific values and lessons in self worth... but the longer I go in time... the less and less it seems fate is on my side....

So as the new year rings in, 2011 will make it year "four" for me and my husband since we began trying to have a family. I still hold on to an inkling of hope that some day, some way, some how we will be able to have the in-vitro, but on yucky days like these... I'm just not so sure. So I pray to God for strength and for courage and for guidance and I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing...

...in the end it's going to be okay...

...if it's not okay, then it's not the end...

One of the best quotes I've read in a while.

So every now and then, I'll go through ~usually about a month long spell~ where all I can think is BABY BABY BABY! I drive my husband crazy, and typically everyone around me ends up crazy too. But I can't help it. I do sooo well with the months surrounding this "baby-crazy month" that I realize it's been weeks since I actually sat and day dreamed about becoming a mother. Does this make me a bad person? No... Does it make me less infertile? Absolutely not... Does this mean the hurt and pain are going away? Definitely a big fat NO!!! I guess it just means that being deemed infertile is not only a diagnosis anymore, it's my way of life. It's an unfortunate way to live, but I just have to accept that I will always be labeled as having experienced infertility.

Usually during this "baby crazy month" someone has just had a baby or just found out they're pregnant, which in years past would have thrown me into a two month depression... but now it just makes me desire a baby even more. So I'll pick out baby names, wonder if I'm pregnant, pick out stuff to register for online, look at nursery furniture, etc. and then the time comes for me to get my monthly gift. Oh Lord help us all!! Typically I'll hype myself all up because I'm one hour "late" and for sure ~ I'm pregnant! Which in turn makes me a week and a half late with what seems likes ten hundred negative pregnancy tests and I'm convinced something just isn't right.

Well something isn't right... ME! I've stressed myself out so much that I ended up making myself "late" and thus I've thrown myself right back into a cycle that never ends. Because I never end up actually being pregnant, I just made myself feel all the "tell tale" signs. I promise I'm not psychotic or anything, I just get a little obsessed for about a month every now and again and that's why I'm blogging tonight... I'm in the middle of one of my "baby crazy" months. One of my very best friends found out several weeks ago that she's pregnant. CONGRATS AGAIN!! I found out a few weeks ago and in the beginning everything was good. I didn't freak out, I accepted this new and genuine happiness was conveyed. However, a couple weeks after I found out... I noticed the baby crazy stuff. Looking at Babies R Us every single time you log onto the internet is a sure sign I'm in the midst of making my self crazy again.

I'm trying to blog it all out of my system so that when it comes time for my ever so kind monthly gift I won't panic. I really have done soooo much better about dealing with these "baby crazy" moments that not too much happens when in deed I don't end up pregnant. I've learned to recognize the signs and deal with them accordingly. Which is why I am now able to discuss it on my blog. Tonight however, I just needed a quick pick-me-up to remind myself that I am not the only person going through this, and that God loves me just the way I am and has a plan for James and I. When I "googled" how to deal with infertility in a spiritual way, a website came up that had a link to a video. I watched it and was WOWED! I felt like holy cow, this is my story. So I'm going to post the video in my blog for those who wish to, can watch it. I'm real inspired by this to make my very own infertility video so look for that in the coming weeks.

Please note that in no way, shape, or form am I taking credit for this video. Just posting it for all to see...

Click the link to see video... http://tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

... "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." Proverbs 12:25 (NIV)

...just a bad day to be infertile...

Though many women are receiving the dreaded diagnosis of infertility today, no one will talk about it. No one will send her a card in attempt to lift her spirits, or bake her something sweet and special just because. In fact, the very woman diagnosed with such a horrid disease may not even begin to understand the depths of the hell she is getting ready to be thrown into. I sure didn’t have a clue! I knew I wanted to start a family with my husband; and as a registered nurse, I knew trying a year with no luck can sometimes be normal; but, never in a million years did I expect what came next. Who would? Being told that you probably aren’t ovulating and then be recommended for testing to make sure my tubes weren’t blocked; a test which hurts like no other! And, then to be told everything looks fine, just keep trying… DO WHAT?!?! Much less the PCOS diagnosis that came the following year or all the failed infertility treatments that followed that… I’m more than positive I am not the only one who has experienced this emotional rollercoaster so why are we so hush-hush about it?

This is a devastating disease! It will never go away! Even if you do eventually conceive and have a baby, you will never be cured. Infertility will always be a part of you and affect your life in some way. Even after you get that baby of your dreams; mentally and emotionally you will always remember the years, the months, the depression, the hostility, the anger, the tears, the heartache; those feelings will fade I’m sure, but devastation never dissipates. And even then, even after the hurt fades, you may still wake up one morning and be bombarded with the emotion all over again. Then what? Remember no one talks about it? I REFUSE to accept this! I refuse to believe no one cares or understands.

We have to get the message out! This disease is like a silent killer. The inner suffering you go through is enough hell alone! The aftermath could be compared to that of post traumatic stress disorder. This shouldn’t be taken lightly, but why then, are we not getting the message across? Is it stigma? Karma? Fear? Embarrassment? Privacy? Hurt? These are things to consider, but we can’t be quiet forever. People everyday are conceiving and aborting as a form of birth control. They conceive and do drugs in an attempt to miscarry. They conceive and don’t care. My point being, why should we have to fight through all these horrid things just to be heard?

But if we need help conceiving, if we need help diagnosing, if we need help treating; our insurance companies basically look at us and roll their eyes. The majority of things aren’t covered by insurance and the medications alone are priced so high you can’t even afford to get started. Much less even consider IVF as an option. (Even if that is the treatment you’ve been recommended to receive by your fertility specialist!) If your insurance company doesn’t cover IVF or anything related to it (like mine…) we’re just supposed to continue to suffer. Unless you are a celebrity or win the lottery, who in this economy can come up with twenty grand to attempt to conceive? And then what if you need more than one IVF cycle?

So before you blast my blog with comments such as; if you can’t afford the treatment, how are you going to afford the baby? To this I say, who really ever can save and plan for this chapter in your life? And honestly, are you ever truly prepared? And in the end, all the time you spent saving and preparing and preventing pregnancy; what if at the end of all that time spent planning, you are diagnosed with infertility? It’s a horrid cycle someone needs to help break! Doctors will try every effort to get a patient into a cancer treatment study, in efforts to add an extra few months onto their already weak lives. That is a wonderful thing though! So… why can’t someone do this for me? I’m not dying or incapable of working; nor am I asking for a handout. All I am simply asking for is someone to stop and take a stand for infertility.

Your family, your friends, your neighbors, your church members, your co-workers; they all gather around to support everyone’s weddings, and pregnancies and retirements. I would LOVE for someone to just say… here, please let us help you! We understand your four year struggle. We can’t give you all you need, but what can we do to make this a little easier on you and your husband? At this point, all I want is for someone to just LISTEN! Don’t say anything. Don’t offer advice. Just listen! Trust me… I’ve heard enough times how it will happen when the time is right, or when I lose enough weight, or when I relax. And believe me, I know I’m thinking about it too much and I know I’m trying too hard, and I’m praying for all the wrong things. I’ve been told all of these things a thousand times! Everyone is good at telling me what I’m not doing right just because that is easier to do than offer to help. And I do wish it were as easy as “timing” and “relaxing!” That just isn’t the case.

All I want is a chance. But price makes that option very difficult when insurance companies are programmed to just say no! You can get free birth control. You can get free medical care. You can get free physicals and immunizations. You can get formula and food and water and shelter and heat and air conditioning. (All of those are great for those who truly need it!) But why… why can’t I just get a little help in making this already devastating time just a little bit easier? I work full time, went to college, own a home, have medical and dental insurance. I have the support of family and friends. I have a God that loves and guides me. I have a husband who cherishes the ground I walk on and is so supportive through all of these hard times. I have a life to be very proud of and thankful for. And I am very thankful for all these things. But the one thing I’d really love to experience… conceiving, a positive pregnancy test, pregnancy itself, flutters, contractions, labor, delivery, breastfeeding, and holding that precious miracle in my arms… the one thing I long for, is hanging over my head with a price tag that might as well read… not for sale.

And yet, the infertility saga continues! It remains silent! I guess the world feels it is just easier that way. It is easier to ignore rather than treat. If no questions are asked, then that means no one has to find an acceptable answer. I can’t change the world by myself. So I blog. This is all I have. The only place I can get my true feelings out. I love when people read my blog to find out how I am feeling. But the great part is, if how I am feeling they don’t agree with or don’t want to read any more of… then they can stop and that is that. At any rate, I am just having a “bad infertility day” I guess and I wanted to get it all out. Who knows… maybe Oprah or someone like her will end up reading this one way or another and honor my dreams by sponsoring my IVF! HA~

For now, I keep trying. That’s all I can do… and keep the faith!

...so what do you think our chances are??...

Okay so most of you are going to think I am totally crazy ... but I can't resist! I am hoping someone of you have heard or read about the couple that, by word of mouth, found a baby to adopt via Facebook. Please don't quit reading now... I promise I haven't thoroughly lost my mind!

I was just curious... do you think that by word of mouth James and I could possibly find... somebody who knows someone who knows someones friend who knows their sisters co-worker's best friend is pregnant and wants to explore adoption? haha... get my drift? Seriously though, if it worked for one couple, why can't it work for another?

So here's my wish, my prayer, my request from those of you who graciously read my blog... all I'm asking is for you to keep James and me in mind. Keep our infertility story close to your heart. Keep our deep love for children and our desperate want to find our special baby alive in your head. That's it... It's simple really. Just spread the word. Add us to your prayer lists at your churches. Tell a co-worker about us. Share our struggles over dinner with your families. Just keep telling the story, over and over. And maybe, just maybe our prayers will be answered.

I have accepted the fact that more than likely I will not conceive a child of my own. But I am okay with that. As difficult as a decision that was to formulate, I do not need a biological child to fill this void. James and I would and will love an adopted baby as if he or she were our very own. We get plenty of practice with our neice and nephew. I love them so much! We are open to closed adoption, open adoption, semi-open adoption ... that part isn't particular to us. We just want to be able to provide love, warmth, and a stable home environment to a baby in need.

So I am begging you... if you know someone, tell someone. If you are a pregnant mom who happened to stumble across my blog... please reach out to us! I can only imagine the courage it takes to make such a selfless decision to provide more for your child. We will accept that responsibility and love and cherish and will be forever grateful for the gift of your child.

So as you can see this blog post is very different from many of the others... I am now asking for everyone's help. Something that is very diffculty for a controlling, type-A personality person such as myself! HAHA :) Please...just don't let our story die! And with a little hope, or maybe even luck... we might find ourselves as blessed as we could be if I were pregnant myself!

...a blog i didn't want to have to write...

Sooo... I knew it was coming. I just didn't, or rather refused, to want to accept it. James and I have now officially been trying to conceive for 3 whole years.

That's right... today is our 3 year Wedding Anniversary! Which of course I'm super ecstatic about! I love James with all of my heart. He's the best husband I could ever ask for. My very best friend, and my soul mate. He means more to me than life itself. And of course... he's been with me through thick and thin. Through all the negative pregnancy tests. The confusing ovulation predictor kits. The exams. The tests. The blood work. The ultrasounds (and not the fun tummy kind... YAY for me!). The needle sticks (in the belly! ouch!). The pills (oh Lord... the pills). All kinds of pills! The PCOS diagnosis. The "I think this is your best bet on getting pregnant" talks. The doctors. The nurses. The pharmacies. The office staff. The specimen cups (sorry James!). The tears. The heartaches. The disappointment. The "I'm sorry it didn't work" talks. The hugs. The kisses. The tender "I Love You's" he'd whisper in my ear, as I'm crying my eyes out for the 24th time that day. ...Yes James, you've been with me though a lot. And for all your support, I will be forever grateful!

One of the reasons I started blogging was because I felt so badly for always talking about pregnancy, or rather... infertility with my husband... I didn't want to push him away or make him feel like he had to have all the answers. No one has a good answer. No one but God, of course! He truly knows why. We don't. So there's no need in guessing. (anymore guessing that is... obviously I continually ask "why?") So to my blog I go... when I feel like I have to get it all out.

Today just happens to be one of those days. My anniversary. It's one of the most happiest days of the year. Yet it just brings me back to my infertility. Just because we started trying to have a family as soon as we got married. Good in a way because now we know it's gonna take a HUGE miracle to get pregnant and deliver a child. Bad in a way because now I will always associate our anniversary with how many years we've been trying to conceive. I hope to get one of the best anniversary gifts of a lifetime... a pregnancy... but I don't hold my breath anymore.

Just because you're a day or 10 days "late" around the Dixon household doesn't mean much anymore. We know that PCOS is crazy, and makes my cycle crazy. Whether it's a 'normal' 28 day cycle or a more 'Jennifer normal' PCOS cycle of 40 days... makes no difference. Eventually you get your gift from nature. I used to cry when that day came. I cried every month for 2-3 days straight for the first, probably 15 months of trying to conceive. Now... I want to cry, but I feel guilty for crying. If I cry, James knows immediately... we aren't pregnant yet again. And the disappointment on my best friend's face just kills me. He can't help it. I can't help it. Disappointment is just part of the game. So now a days... I don't cry. I just... I don't know what I do. Just go on with life I guess. I try to pretend like it's no big deal, in hopes that maybe it will 'just happen' some day. Crazy? Maybe. But what do I know?

So anyways... these are just some of my crazy infertility thoughts for this week. I'm yet again finding myself secretly praying for a missed period. Not even knowing what a missed period is. Just because my cycles have a tendency to be pretty lengthy anyways... I hear a lot of pregnant women complaining about the heat, the nausea, the heartburn, the stretch marks, the breast pain... Just know, any given day I'd trade all that I have for those feelings. Crazy or not crazy... I go back to the quote of one of my favorite songs ... "I would die for that, just to have one chance. To hold in my hands, what so many have. I would die for that."

That's all I've got today! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to those of you who read my blog. And actually like to hear what I have to say! It really means a lot to me!!! Till next time... bring on the missed period, the nausea, the stretch marks, the positive pregnancy test! I'm ready...

It's been a while...

So I know it's been forever and a day since I've blogged, but overall... I haven't really felt the need to. But, since it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies... I feel the need to blog.

The first thing I should update... Since March (which unfortunately is the last time I blogged...sorry!) I've had my gallbladder removed. For those closest to me... you knew it was just a matter of time. When my appendix ruptured in May 2007, I was diagnosed with gallstones. Per MD advice, they weren't bothering me... so we left my gallbladder alone. (Mainly because I was septic from my 3-day-old ruptured appendix...no need for another potential infection! PS~ I'm sure it had nothing to do with my right-out-of-RN school self diagnosed UTI~) ANYWAYS... early May 2010 I had my first, and thank God, last 'gallbladder attack.' I was miserable and finally my MD, myself, and my so-full-of-stones it had to go gallbladder decided it was time to have it removed. May 26th I had surgery and got rid of it! As painful as it was to get rid of, I'm very happy to report it was a WONDERFUL decision! ...so far, so good...

Second update... Since March my job title has changed some-what. I've been doing Baby Love and school nursing through the health department. Which I LOVE! But... the programs are being divided, and effective July 1st ... I am just a "School Nurse!" YAY~ I love the kiddos I work with and I think it'll be loads of fun... (get back to me, say... October and I'll let ya know for sure!) :)

As boring as my life is... those are the only two "updates" I feel the need to report at this time...

But, the main reason for blogging tonight... STRESS! I am very thrilled and happy for all the preggo's around me! I love each and every one of them with all my heart. :) HOWEVER~ Selfishly... I always wonder, when will it be me?!?! My hope is... since my gallbladder has come out (which tends to have the potential be some-what of an issue during pregnancy...) that God will bless us with that little bundle of joy we've longed for! I know I know... when the time is right, it will happen~ Right? Isn't that what you're thinking... haha~ it's easy to guess the thoughts of others now-a-days because no one really knows what to say to an infertile person. I wouldn't have known what to say three years ago... (I really can't believe I've been trying-to-conceive for three whole years... YIKES!) ...it's hard to put into words what to say to someone when you don't know what to say in the first place. Infertility is a hard topic... mainly because it's a silent disease. The world doesn't discuss it all that much. Carrying and having the baby is a much more pleasant topic... if we talked about the years people spent trying for that 9 month ECSTATIC & THRILLING period of time... I don't know what the real view of pregnancy would be? Oh well... I'm not supposed to have all the answers. :)

So I've decided a few things in the last few days...

First... I really need to win that 1075kzl Secret Sound cash... holy cow! What a GREAT start to my IVF fund! Any suggestions on how to get through to be caller 15 or what the sound may actually be... I'm all ears! :)

Second... To all of my closest friends... more specifically Stephanie Russell~ I'm gonna need you to have another baby... like ASAP! I need a baby fix majorly... so I'm thinking for Father's Day... you and Miss Madison need to talk Daddy into getting her a brother! :) haha...let me know how that goes, okay?!?!

Third... To my Sister-in-Law Joetta (who I know will read this ...cause she can't get enough of me!) :) LOVE YOU~ I'm gonna need you to make me an AuNtIe for the 3rd time! As previously said... I need a baby fix majorly... And since history tends to repeat itself (and yes... I'm about to spread your business all over the world-wide-web!) ... I know this is your fertile time of year! My precious niece and nephew both had February due dates...and now have February birthdays! Soooo... @ this Luau on Saturday, I'm gonna need to address this with you and Micheal so that we can get the ball rolling... so to speak! :) I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Fourth... I need the power of prayer! For those of you who have already added me to your prayer lists... THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! For those of you who haven't... PLEASE do so! The power of our Great Lord in Heaven has performed miracles before... and I'm hoping and PRAYING He will perform another. I'd love to conceive naturally, without the help of fertility treatments (long shot I know...but I can hope!)... and so I need LOTS and LOTS of prayer!

Thank you all for continuing to follow my blog even though I haven't posted in forever! This is a wonderful stress relief and I feel tons better already! My 3 Year Wedding Anniversary is June 23rd... maybe we'll get an extra special gift 9 months from then... Love to all!

...today, I give Thanks!

Today's blog post will not be nearly as long as my life story was yesterday. :) ... or at least that's what my husband said last night. "Geez Jennifer, did you tell the world everything about us?" My answer was simple... people need to know. They need to know that conceiving doesn't come naturally for some. And certainly not for us. Infertility is a silent disease. It attacks without notice and without concern. And most of all, it causes pain. The type of emotional pain no one can describe.

But today, I want to give thanks! Thanks to those of you who have read my post. Thanks for the uplifting comments you shared! I really do appreciate all the kind words of wisdom as I still deal with this unfortunate circumstance daily. It really helps me sort through things by getting all the feelings out. In return, I hope to help others dealing with some of my same issues.

I'll leave my blog today with a quote from one of my most FAV songs...

"I've been given so much, a husband that I love. So why do I feel incomplete? With every test and check-up, we're told not to give up. He wonders if it's him... I wonder if it's me. All I want is a family, like everyone else I see! And I won't understand it, if it's not meant to be. Cause I would die for that, just to have one chance... to hold in my hands, all that they have... I would die for that. And I want to know what it's like, to bring a dream to life! For that kind of love, what I'd give up... I would die for that." ~ Kellie Coffey's song I Would Die for That